Saturday, April 12, 2014

Musings: Career path, life after college, what do I want with my life?

For the past several days, or rather months, I have just felt extremely lost with my life. I mean, what do I want to do? What should I be doing with my life? Where is my life going? Here I am, at 18 years old, the end of my freshman year of college, and frankly...lost. Just lost.

I came into college so sure of myself. I wanted to be a doctor, pediatrics to be exact and as the year went on, I switched that over to obstetrics. Sure, still same field just a bit earlier in childhood life and development. But the problem is, at the back of my head, I always had nutrition going on. I've always been fascinated with food, so nutrition isn't that far off. Sure, I could always go into endocrinology, but (and shoot me for being so unfeminist), I don't want to be a big career woman.

There, I said it: I. DON'T. WANT. A. BIG. CAREER. My lifelong dream job would just be to stay at home and raise my kids, keep the house, and be a good wife/mom. The problem is, I am so scared that I won't feel fulfilled in that role. I'm scared that my parents will disapprove. Or rather, I know my parents will disapprove. And I don't want to disappoint them because yeah, I am smart. I worked super hard in high school. I'm attending one of the top private universities in the country and paying a good amount for it. I could have gone to a state school free, but instead I moved 10 hours away and am paying a lot of money to attend a private university, to broaden my horizons, to increase my chances at a good med school...and I just want to throw that all away?

I was researching career choices for a registered dietitian and if my mom found out that this was what I wanted to do, she would be so angry. I can't help but feel guilty about throwing away all of these efforts both my parents and I made so that I could attend a good university. I mean, the board-certified programs for a registered dietitian are all at state universities (and not so great ones at that), just a few minutes drive from home. I could have stayed close to my family, my boyfriend, everything that I know and I love and I miss so freaking much. So why am I even here?

Yeah, I don't know what I want. And that scares me. A lot.